i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I believe in your delicious
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
