Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize