Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
