Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
