You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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