His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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