I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
