I'm gonna have a badass scar
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
