Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
