Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
