I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
