just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
