Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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