my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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