Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
