oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
