I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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