batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
