I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She needs sedatives and a leash
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
