If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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