I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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