Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
