It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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