I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
