the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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