i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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