can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
