Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
