i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize