he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
