the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
