My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
