He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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