you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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