All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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