bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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