We're like a lot better than the average bears
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
