you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
