Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
