My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
