My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
