im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
