i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
