Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
