Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
