im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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