So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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