Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
