make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
