I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
