Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
