So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
