does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
