He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
