I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
