Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
