i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize