Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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