Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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