we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
