I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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