another moral hangover. fuck.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
