My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize